Simple "crop circle" impressions had been a peculiar curiosity in the English
countryside for decades. They started to attract widespread attention in 1990,
after they unexpectedly took on a manufactured appearance and enlarged to
gargantuan sizes. Whirlwind theories were discarded, while pranksters, Mother
Earth, UFOs, fairies, angels and/or the CIA were proposed as possible culprits.
 When a couple o' codgers admitted to hoaxing 'em in 1991, all further media
coverage ceased. Yet "crop circle" activity continued to accelerate, even after
one of the geezers died. Indeed, the bizarre designs grew more complex with
each passing season, and began showing up in about a dozen other countries.
Several thousand examples have occurred worldwide over the past ten years!
 Genuine "crop circles" exhibit physical attributes that simply can't be faked.
Magnetic field displacements are measured. Cameras and recording equipment
will temporarily fail. Dead insects and small amounts of meteoric dust are found
covering the leaves. And the stems of the affected plants are somehow bent
over at right angles without breaking... even in rigid, celery-like canola crops!
 Microscopic observation and controlled germination experiments, conducted by
biophysicist W.C. Levengood, has revealed damage to cell walls and anomalous
growth rates which indicate rapid heating by a burst of microwave energy. The
vegetation is "zapped" into a collapsed position by a force of unknown origin!
(Deployed at night, without the slightest fear of being interrupted... or shot!)
 In the unlikely event that the British Army might actually possess some sort of
top-secret ray gun, why would they risk an accident by using it to elaborately
decorate private property? The most obvious, if mind-boggling, alternative, is
is that Intelligent Aliens, hiding behind our backs, have begun holding annual
public demonstrations of their advanced capabilities! Hold onto your hats!